Start by identifying the assumption(s) you made. For example, I assumed they would / would not do that. I assumed they would keep their promise. I assumed that by now they would know this about me. I assumed that they sense how I feel. I assumed they were aware of this already.

Now assume that your assumptions are wrong. Assume that what you thought was true is not actually true.

Take it one step further. Find the purpose behind why you made your assumptions.

Find out if your Box made assumptions in order to build resentments with the other person so as to block the possibility of intimacy with them. Consider that your Box strategically concocts such conflicts in order to retain its unquestioned authority in your life.

Through taking radical responsibility for having created your assumptions and expectations you find perhaps the only effective way to vanish your resentment: to admit your woundedness through Caring Communication.

Caring Communication is the procedure whereby you step sideways, away from your resentment and you admit your woundedness. You get off your position of being right. You dive down towards hitting bottom through vulnerably revealing your innermost feelings of fear, sadness, and anger, whatever is driving you to try to avoid intimacy.

Caring Communication means you tell these stories even if you look unprofessional, immature, stupid, silly, weak or childish; even if it proves you are a failure or an idiot.

While you tell your stories, the other person listens to you and says nothing except to deliver a few Completion Loops to show that they have heard and compassionately understand how it is for you. The listener asks no questions and gives no justifications, analysis, rescuing or suggestions. There is listening, acceptance, and respect.

In most discussions about verbal deception there are two basic categories of lying that are taken into consideration, the first being lying by omission (or leaving stuff out) and the second being lying by commission (or making stuff up). But there’s a third category of lying which has recently gotten a lot of attention that involves lying by telling the truth, and it’s called paltering.

In this newsletter, I’m going to cover these three basic categories of lying and their slew of subsets as well as what to do in a world filled with so many damned liars and the lies they tell.

THE THREE CATEGORIES OF LIES

1. Lying by COMMISSION entails the active use of false statements, such as claiming the faulty transmission on a car "works great".
2. Lying by OMISSION involves holding back relevant information—for example, by failing to mention any information at all about a faulty transmission.
3. PALTERING involves the use of truthful statements to convey a mistaken impression—such as, “We just had the car gone over by a professional mechanic and it checked out great.”  While this statement may be 100% true, it is not the 100% truth. It is being used to hide another bit of information which is, “I know the transmission is on its last leg, even if the mechanic missed it. In fact, that’s why I’m getting rid of the car!”

PALTERING

In a study at Harvard Business School, researchers identified paltering as a common and distinct form of lying. “Unlike lying by omission, paltering involves the active use of statements, and unlike lying by commission, paltering involves the use of truthful statements.” (Rogers, Zeckhauser, Gino, Norton, & Schweitzer, 2016).

An interesting finding of the study is that that palterers view paltering as much more ethical than lying by commission, yet the participants on the receiving end of the paltering disagree.

Co-author of the study Francesca Gino says, “People seem to be using this strategy because in their minds, they’re telling the truth, so they think they’re being honest. But the people being deceived think they’re being just as dishonest as if they lie outright to their faces.”

It’s easy to see why we palterers prefer paltering over telling outright lies: It allows us to maintain an image of ourselves as honest and trustworthy individuals (after all, we were telling the truth). Most of us care about being good people and being seen by others as such.

WAYS OF DECEPTION
While there are only three basic categories of lies, we liars have come up with lots of creative subsets of deceit. Here are just a few of my favorites:

• RESTRUCTURING: This is endemic in courtroom dramas and partisan news. It involves distorting the context. Saying something in sarcasm, changing who said what or why and with what intent, or altering the scene to create the narrative you want.
• EXAGGERATION - The classic tall tale, “I swear to Gawd that thing was 50 pounds and 2 foot long!”
• MINIMIZATION - Michael, did you get wasted again last night? "No! Wasted? No, I had maybe a few drinks, you know. 2 or 3… 4… In the first hour…"
• DENIAL - Michael, did you eat the last of the chocolate? "No." I see chocolate on your face! "No you don’t!"
• LITTLE WHITE LIES - "No, yeah, no, I mean I loved your short story about the racoon that almost didn’t make it home for the Holidays. I think you’re a really… uh, unique writer."
• BALD-FACED LIES - This one is a favorite of children: "The report cards haven’t been sent out yet because um, the teacher had to… send her dog to the… hospital…"

So, how do we cope with living in a world full of so many lies? The most important step is to avoid the trap of looking outward for all the ways that we’re being deceived. It’s anxiety-inducing and a total waste of time. It turns out that, as human lie detectors, we often fare no better than the flip of a coin.

LYING TO OURSELVES IS LYING TO OTHERS

A much more productive use of our time would be to look more closely at all of the ways that we are lying to others. And once we recognize that we are lying, call ourselves out on that lie and have a conversation with the other person about it. And if you recognize your motivation for that lie, go ahead and tell them that, too.

You just say, “You know what, I actually don’t make that much money. I’m embarrassed by how little I make and I wanted to impress you.”

Or, “Actually, I was only pretending to be interested in this conversation because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and look like an asshole. Can we talk about something else?”

This is how we turn fake, superficial, disconnected interactions immediately into real, connected, honest conversations, which then pave the way for deeper relationships. Honesty (as well as dishonesty) are reciprocal. Which means the more we’re honest, the more openness and honesty we’ll see in return from others.

WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE ELSE LIES
As far as what to do when you suspect that you are being deceived or lied to? Researcher Robert Feldman says, “Liars need to be confronted. If you suspect someone is lying to you, you should talk to him or her about it. It may uncomfortable, you may not get the answer you want, and the exchange may lead to further deceptions... However, if you don't confront a liar... and let it slide by unchallenged—in a very real sense you've become a liar yourself.”

Ok, so most of us are going around pretending and withholding most of the time. But most of the lies we tell are just little white lies and we’re just trying to be decent people in the world and not hurt other people’s feelings too much. Is that so bad?

Well, Chris Argyris from Harvard Business school thought so. He called this learned pattern of playing nice and greasing the social wheel with little white lies: 'skilled incompetence', because while it does take a lot of social skill to flatter and fool and keep others happy, it ultimately makes us ineffective leaders, colleagues and partners.

He said that, “When we develop a pattern of withholding the truth out of fear of reprisal or of hurting feelings, we blind ourselves and our partners of critical issues in the relationship.”

If you’d like some real-world help in not being so fraudulently kind and nice to people, you can sign up for our 6-week Radical Honesty online course called 'Get Over Shit and BE Happy'!

The next course begins next Saturday, January 28, 2023 with live calls every Saturday from 12-3pm EST / 6-9pm CET until March 4.

If you actually loved Gaia, if you wanted complex evolving ecosystems to thrive on Earth, how would your behavior be radically different?

Be specific about this.